MAY 17, 1996 GAY PEOPLE's Chronicle

21

BIG TIPS

Put two heads together before engaging in a threesome

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Well, thank goodness I decided to stay after work last week and go to a talk on nonmonogamy given by Shar Rednour (editor of Virgin Territory, a compendium of tales of women “losing" various brands of virginity; check it out!)

It's always good to hear someone other than your friends go on about something, and Shar laid out a nice trinity for the polyfidelitous: in order to successfully integrate others into a primary relationship, you gotta have Respect, Honesty and Love for all parties involved, including of course, yourself.

I won't go off on each, but my favorite point that she made was that each of those components are symbiotic: when you're being honest with your honey, it should be motivated by your love and desire to maintain a strong relationship, and your honesty should be delivered with respect. Sounds easy, right? On to the letters, and we'll see...

Dearest Big Tipper,

My boyfriend, a bisexual, and I, a gay male, have a very adventurous sex life. We've tried and enjoyed just about everything imaginable, so to bring some spice into our lives, we've been talking about indulging in a threesome. We have a couple of candidates who are willing, but I'd like to get your advice before proceeding.

There are a couple of points I'd like you to consider. First, one of our potential partners is female. I don't mind enjoying my partner with a woman, and would enjoy watching them and having her watch us, but I have no desire to have intercourse with a female and probably couldn't if I wanted to. I'm afraid that would spoil the group dynamic.

The other possible partner is a male who is very attracted to me, and agreed to a threeway because it's the only way he can ever screw me. He'll service my boyfriend, but I know I'll get most of the pleasure from his penis.

Am I worrying too much about the psychological aspects of group sex, and can you advise how to go forward?

Hoping Three's Not A Crowd

Dear When the Kisses are His and His and Hers, Three's Company Too (sing along!),

I don't think you're worrying too much about the psychological aspects; I think you're wisely weighing the impact that a third person could have on your relationship. No matter how adventurous two people are together, introducing another person presents unique pleasures and challenges.

Here's what I think. The two of you need to get something, preferably of a comparable pleasure level, out of the experience. If, of all the collectively partaken activities, it gives you as much pleasure to watch your partner have his way with a gal, and be watched by her, as it does for him to dally between her

actual loins, great-o potato. If this unexpectedly seems "unfair," or makes you jealous, it's time to renegotiate with the boyfriend.

It would be wise for the two of you to sit down ahead of time and figure out what you're willing to do with someone else, and if there's anything you feel very uncomfortable with (like penetrative sex with a woman), or uncomfortable with your partner doing. You might also set up a plan is case someone feels really left out or sad or alienated in the middle: should you ask things to stop? Take some time out by yourself? Have a safe word?

When the two of you are pretty clear, talk with the third party. Make sure you and your partner are clear about “repeat performances”: Is it okay for any two of the three to be together without the third? Make sure the person you're inviting in is very clear about this, and that she or he's hearing the same thing from both of you.

I think the "boy or girl?" issue is probably less important than inviting a person in whom you both really like (do you really want girlfriend in your bed?) Oh, and by the way, even if you fear you might wilt like a tender green shoot in the blazing sunlight of estrogen, there are lots of entertaining things a man and a woman can do (who knew?) that don't involve intercourse. Chat up your lesbian friends for their favorite moves. Good luck.

Dear Big Tipper,

My heart is broken. I've been working on a loving relationship with my lover for two years, and within a week and a half, it's all unraveled. It all started when I had a crush on another woman. It was no big deal at all, I never would have done anything, but I've been feeling a little out of sorts with our relationship for a few months, and it was nice to remember that I can still find other women attractive, and that I'm attractive to them too.

My lover was very uncomfortable with my crush when I told her about it (we've always been very honest with each other), and told me I couldn't go see the other woman by myself, so she'd come along whenever I happened to go to the coffee shop where she (the crush) works. This turned into the three of us spending an increasing amount of time together.

A week and a half ago, my lover surprised me by suggesting a three-way with her, since I was so attracted to her, and now that we all knew each other. I thought this was great, although I'd really never considered actually having sex with this woman. We got together, and it was fun, and then did it again the next night.

The third day, my lover told me she and the other woman were in love with each other, and were moving out of state together. I was shocked, and I still feel like someone kicked me in the heart.

Tipper, what possibly could have hap-

pened? I don't know how to deal with this, and I've never felt so betrayed in my whole life. Feel Like a Sap

Dear Communication Gap,

Wow. Despite the fact that you say the two of you have been really honest, I find myself thinking that you're not the only one who's been having a hard time for the past few months. But it sounds like the time for talking about that has passed. All I can imagine is that she was already seeing this woman before you even developed your crush, and your lover took the extremely sleazy way

out, or she was desperately unhappy and is the type to "solve" relationship problems by starting over fresh.

Despite the nasty circumstances (and by the way, that three-way was not non-monogamy), the real problem is that your lover just dumped you in an extremely unexpected, disrespectful and hurtful way. You need to cry in the tub, slander her about town, put her pictures away, and get your friends to take care of you. Boy, am I sorry. Take care of yourself.

Send your questions to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216-631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.

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